Final Post? "There is Yet Another Chapter"

 To my readers (which are few and faithful),

I have not posted in about a month now; I have had many, very significant events happen in my life, the largest of which is my engagement to the most wonderful woman on Earth. I have written many times with the appeal that I need to grow, that I need to mature, that I must draw closer to God; and while all those things are true, God saw fit that I must not be perfect in these things before I moved on to the next stage in life.

It has been a most wonderful 3 weeks. That is the period of our engagement to this point. We will be married for eternity on the 26th of December, just 10-and-one-half days away.

With all these new events, I have never felt pressed to write here since. Usually, each post has been preceded with a push to write on the subject, but this has never happened. So, after much thought and prayer, I have decided to at least discontinue, if not end, this blog.

This blog has been an immense help to me. It has helped me to organize my thoughts, emotions, feelings, and spiritual insights. I have grown much as a result. I am grateful for those that have influenced me so much for good, both intentionally and unintentionally. I am grateful to all those that took the time to read this; this truly was the closest I have ever come to sharing my whole heart to others (with the exception of my fiancée).

But, I feel that this blog has served its purpose. Perhaps at a later time, I may return to write once more. But for now, I bid farewell.

 I leave you with a very special letter I wrote. I wrote this the last Monday of my 2-year mission for the Lord Jesus Christ. It is addressed to my family, but I feel that you may benefit from this also.

I know that God lives. He is our Father, and He has a plan for each of us. As we do our best to follow Him, no matter where we are in our spiritual journey, we will return home.

Until we meet again, God bless you.

Patrick

Dearest Family,

This is something else. I am amazed that the two years have already come and gone. I have enjoyed being devoted to God in [this] great work, but "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" (Eccl. 3:1). "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (2 Tim. 4:7). I have finished this period in my life, and it is time to move on to the next stage in life.

Before my mission, I thought I would be borderline perfect by the time I came home, and I now realize that is not true. I have changed, I have grown, I have reached remarkable heights, but I have so much farther to go. Before, I believed the gospel, but now I understand it: not to the fullest, but to a degree that I never knew before. I truly see that the gospel is not a one-time sequence of events, but that "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end" (Preach My Gospel, p.1) is a pattern that we live throughout our lives. So long ago, I made the covenant of baptism and received the Holy Ghost, but "after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay.... Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Ne. 31:19-20).

After we enter in at the gate, we are to continue to increase in faith, repent of our shortcomings, keep and renew our covenants, receive another degree of the fulness of the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end, "relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save" (2 Ne. 31:19). We continue on in this cycle for eternity. As we increase in faith, we will repent more, which leads to a greater commitment to keep our covenants, and the Holy Ghost will visit us in a greater power, which will cause us to further increase in faith. And none of this would be possible without the grace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Christ was chosen as the Savior before the world even began. "But, behold, my Beloved Son, which was my Beloved and Chosen from the beginning, said unto me—Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever" (Moses 4:2). If it were not for Christ's Atonement, we would've been lost forever, unable to progress and become like our Father inå Heaven. "O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace! For behold, if the flesh should rise no more our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the Eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more. And our spirits must have become like unto him, and we become devils, angels to a devil" (2 Ne. 9:8-9).

"Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the earth" (2 Ne. 2:8). I might have been no Ammon; I didn't baptize thousands like Paul, in fact even now I consider myself "slow of speech, and of a slow tongue" (Ex. 4:10) and that "I of myself am a wicked man" (Omni 1:2), but I still feel I was " instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance" (Alma 29:9). I do not understand all the ways of God; I do not see the fruit of my labors, but I trust God used my small, pathetic offering of service for something.

This past week, and even now, I do not realize the end is near. It seems superficial. It seems as though "the time passed away with [me], and also [my mission] passed away like as it were unto [me] a dream" (Jacob 7:26). I pondered the dread that will come from leaving this behind. I have not fully realized how sad it will be, but I feel it will be very sad when the time of realization does come. But then I pondered eternity. The last verse of "If You Could Hie to Kolob" especially provokes comfort:

There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.

That is what the gospel is all about. That, because God loved us enough to put us on Earth, and because of the infinite Atonement of Jesus Christ, there is no end! There is an end to my mission; that is true and very sad. But I will move up one more rung on the ladder of eternal growth, as we all will. Every time some good event ends, we move on to something grander! We may leave high school, but we enter college. We may leave our mission, but we enter marriage. We may leave our bodies, but we will one day enter into bodies of celestial glory, to live with those we love for eternity, worlds without end.

So, I have much left to do in this life. But "the days of the children of men were prolonged, according to the will of God, that they might repent while in the flesh; wherefore, their state became a state of probation, and their time was lengthened, according to the commandments which the Lord God gave unto the children of men" (2 Ne. 2:21). I still have so much to learn and accomplish, but God has given us as long as we need to accomplish His grand designs. I am not done increasing in faith; I don't have a perfect testimony; I am not a perfect missionary; but I will continue to live the gospel as the redeeming power of the Atonement unlocks growth within me. And I pray each of you do the same.

I know that Jesus Christ lives, and He is my personal Savior, as He is for each of you. I love Him. I have much to learn about Him, but I know He loves me, as does my Father in Heaven, my God. God knows what each of us struggle with and go through, and He loves us with a perfect love. God is always there to invite us one step closer to Him. If we fail, it's ok. If we stumble, it's fine. It does not matter how many times we fall, so long as we match that number with how many times we repent.

I love the Book of Mormon. Pres. Ezra Taft Benson said that we do not need to prove the Book of Mormon, for it is its own proof. I firmly believe that. Anyone that picks up the Book of Mormon and reads it with an open heart and a sincere desire to draw closer to their Maker will know that Book is divine. Joseph Smith was a prophet, and he saw God and Jesus Christ. This Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is the Lord's kingdom on the earth again, preparatory to the Second Coming of the Messiah (Introduction, The Book of Mormon).

So, this mission draws to a close. I am unsure of what I accomplished, but I have faith in God that this will lead to something greater. So, even though this route in my life has ended, and I will never experience something like this again...

There is yet another chapter.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

What will it be like...?

Tonight, the day after Thanksgiving, I had the special privilege of helping at a Christmas event with a live cast for the town of Bethlehem. I played as a Roman soldier in Caesar's court, collecting "taxes" (food donations) and making a "census" (guest list). I enjoyed my evening, but the highlight was at the end of the night.

We all left our posts as the evening drew to an end. Eventually, we ended in the Nativity. We sang songs, commemorating different scenes in the Christmas story (the shepherds, the Wise Men, etc.). But, at the end, the entire cast went and knelt before the Christ Child as "O Come, All Ye Faithful", was sung.

I had never done this before. As I knelt, I felt a rush of emotion. Christ's glory shone brighter in my heart than it had for a long time. I wondered what it would've been like to have knelt before the Holy Babe that Christmas night.

I continued, and I began a new question. "What will it be like, when I have passed through this mortal life, to finally kneel before my Savior?" I can't describe how I felt; it was as if everything was perfect, everything was whole, everything was holy... even if only for that one moment. Ignore the troubles in the world; forget the trials and tribulations; Jesus was born, and He had won!

I am looking forward to this holiday season. I anticipate more than any other season I have experienced, especially concerning my understanding of Christ.

God bless y'all!
Patrick

Happy Thanksgiving!

Earlier this month I was doing daily posts on Facebook describing what I'm thankful for. But, since I resolved to use the Internet less often, that practice discontinued. So for today, I will try to make a good-sized list of what I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for my Father in Heaven, who has done so much beyond my comprehension for me. To name a few, He put me on this earth to learn, grow, and enjoy the life He enjoys; to have a fullness of joy. He provides me with daily instruction, guidance and love. My life would be meaningless without Him.

I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through His sacrifice that I can overcome my weaknesses and fulfill the design God has in store for me. I lean on Him, I rely on Him, He is my strength and my all.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit, who provides the guidance God promises. I would be ever lost and ever confused without the inspiration He so generously bestows!

I am thankful for my parents. They are so good to me. I would literally not be here today without them! They provide so much love, support, and guidance. They even homeschooled me too, so I owe them my education in academic and spiritual matters!

I am thankful for the Gospel which provides sound understanding in all things.

I am grateful for Nicholas, Tristan, Timothy, Victoria, Thomas, James, Matthew, and Daniel, my wonderful siblings that make this family special!

I am thankful for my mission, which gave me the opportunity to serve God's children in ways I never imagined. Ironically, I also gained more than I ever gave, being equipped with all the tools I need to make it through the craziness that is life.

I am thankful for my mission president and his wife for the invaluable support during my mission. While my mission was a special time, it was also very difficult. They also showed a love beyond words and were prime examples of disciples of Christ.

I am thankful for all the friends I made during my mission, both missionary and non-missionary. I am not perfect, and I am grateful you loved me anyways. Each of you will always have a special place in my heart!

I am thankful for my church congregation here, especially for a few choice members that make it a special time. I thank you especially Charmaine and Shaylee for making church something I looked forward to rather than anxious for.

I am grateful for my Good Friend. I wonder what God has in store for us...?

I am grateful for church, prayer, and the scriptures both ancient and modern; they provide the knowledge I need when the Spirit is with me, but especially when I am far from Him.

I am thankful for the doctrine of eternities. I know that through the Atonement of Christ that we have forever to look forward to! There is no good thing that will end. We will grow and learn now and forever more; we will be with our family, both immediate and in God, forever and ever.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, but these are of prime significance. I hope the attitude of gratitude may permeate throughout the day for each of us!

God bless you all,
Patrick

What is my attitude towards the gospel?

As I go through each day, attend church, reflect on my own devotion to Christ, and observe the testimonies of others, it is obvious that we do not all have the same attitude in our journey through life. There are obviously those that aren't trying in the slightest and really don't believe or don't care. But even within the believers, I notice that there are categories of different attitudes. The most apparent group consists of those that confidently strive to live the gospel and draw closer to their Father in Heaven. But there are two groups other than those, both of which are more subtle and not so easily identified.

One of these groups are those that are always trying to live the gospel, but always fall short. They question their conversion, which in turn questions their testimony. They do not easily feel the assurance from their Father in Heaven that they are on the right path; they scramble, trying to find their way to the light (which they fail to realize they already bask in). This set tends to grow without realizing it.

The second group is found on the other extreme. They put in little effort to live the gospel, feeling quite overly confident that they are acceptable to God. They do not need God's assurance (nor will they receive it), because they are already set on the idea that they are fine where they are at. This set fails to grow without realizing it.

I feel that I have been in each of these categories at different points in my life. Sometimes I neglect to progress, feeling comfortable with where I am; sometimes I scramble wherever I can, trying to find out why I am not living up to God's standards or what I am failing to do; and finally there are times where I clearly recognize that, while I still have much to fix, I am well on my way.

Sometimes our feelings lie to us, as is apparent in two of the three situations. Sometimes we may feel good, when we're not, and sometimes we may feel wicked, when we're not. To resolve this and gain a clear idea of where we stand in our devotion to God, I find questions such as these to help me out:

How would I describe my personal relationship with God? Do I strive to draw closer to Him?
What do my prayers mean to me?
What do the scriptures mean to me?
Am I consciously striving to develop Christlike attributes?
How do I feel towards my Savior? What has He done for me?
Do I seek the Spirit? How am I influenced by Him?
Do I attempt to magnify my calls to serve?
Do I strive to serve and be concerned for those around me (not just friends)?
What are my greatest desires?
Is God a permeating subject on my mind, or only someone I think of occasionally or when in need?

There are many more questions, but I feel this is a good start. Notice that these do not ask about position in congregations or focus on outward acts, for while it may be meaningful, these are not truly indicative of conversion; this may be the product of "social conversion" or other substitutes. In addition, not all of us will be "prominent", but God can be accessed by anyone, regardless of status.

For those of you trying so hard but feeling inadequate, consider your efforts to follow Christ. Realize that God is pleased with your heartfelt desire, even if your actions (appear to) fall short. As you see that you are trying to pray, trying to reach God, trying to love your neighbor, give yourself a break! Be kinder to yourself; give yourself more credit, for God loves the earnest soul that you have.

For those that are complacent, consider your answers to the questions as a gentle call to repentance. We all need to continuously practice the gospel, for perfection is our goal, and none will reach it in this life, so we must try as hard as we can to reach it. Besides, if we are not actively living the gospel, are we truly converted?

I pray that you consider the significance of your answers and adjust appropriately. God is ever-patient, and Christ will endow us with the needed strength to live as He would have us live.

God bless y'all!
Patrick

I WIll Rise!

I went to a most wonderful concert tonight. To say it was uplifting would not do it justice! But instead of my ramblings, just enjoy my favorite from the night (obviously this isn't the same as the choir at the concert, but it'll have to do).

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb
(You are worthy, You are worthy)
Worthy is the Lamb

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise, I will rise 

I add my testimony that every word, syllable, jot and tittle of this song is absolutely true. In Christ's name, amen. 

The Long Road Ahead

Tonight I had another experience which relates to yesterday's post. I figured it would make a nice follow-up.

When things are wrong, one of my favorite ways to cope is to go walking. Lately it's been snowing, so it's really cold outside, but today was particularly stressful, so I needed a break. After a church function tonight, I immediately left to go walking for a bit.

There is a biking/walking path in my neighborhood that runs along a former canal. It was somewhat late, so it was cold and dark. Nonetheless, I went on for 40 minutes before turning around, due to some sort of animal up ahead (I don't like things running around in the dark!). In that time, I found peace in venting to God.

I imagine, in cases like tonight, that God is like the parent that, no matter how angry, upset, or nasty you are to Him, ends up holding you the entire time. I feel sheepish, because who am I to get angry at Him? He has done nothing wrong. There isn't even anything I can blame on Him; the stress was my problem, and not His fault in the slightest. In spite of that, my Father listened. He listened to what His frustrated son had to say. He did not judge; He did not reprimand; He just listened, arms around His child's shoulders.

I don't know how far I walked. Probably not too far, considering the length of time I spent. But as I looked ahead, I didn't know where it would take me, but I felt that was where God wanted me to be. I kept walking, not sure how far I was going nor how much was left. Even though progress was difficult to measure, it was there nonetheless. There came a point where, looking back, I could not see how far I had went.

As we learn, grow, and become the sons and daughters of God, we may lose confidence and forget where we are. We aren't sure how far it is to our destination; we might not even be sure where our destination is. But God laid a path before us, and the path will take us where we need to go. While the end is out of sight, and we might not be sure what God's intentions are, we can rest assured that, as we stay on the path, we will get to where we need eventually.

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

When it was time to go home, my stress was manageable. It was so cold, but at a time that I felt nothing, His love warmed my heart. Maybe one of these days I will walk all the way to the end of that mysterious path.

Patrick

"More Patience in [Growing]"

This morning, I had the special opportunity to attend a convert baptism. It was quite an uplifting experience, both as a direct result of the baptism and in a few more personal ways.

One hymn we sang was "More Holiness Give Me," by Philip P. Bliss. Like many hymns, there are so many uniquely (excuse the oxymoron) special phrases in this piece, but I wish to focus on one in particular.

More patience in suff'ring.
 
While I am experiencing many trials, and this line is very applicable, this does not accurately display what I felt my prayer was. To illustrate more perfectly, I would read it as

More patience in [growing].

This is a more specific appeal that I wanted to make to my Father.

Before I left on my mission (I talk a lot about this, don't I?), I was a pretty carefree child. I didn't have many friends, so I was spared much of the drama teenagers have; I was active in my church, so nobody complained there; I am intelligent (don't mean to boast), so high school was very easy. When I went on my mission, my life was filled with worries and responsibilities, but none were for myself; they were all for others, whether it be my fellow missionary companions, those I taught the gospel, or others I was obliged to help. When I came home, I no longer had those responsibilities, but I grew up. As a result, I realized I have severely neglected my personal growth in many aspects; I have a lot of maturing to do.

This causes me grief. I am a structured person; I move on from one task to the next, or so I try. Coming home from my mission, I anticipated my next 3 main goals were to get married, get educated, and get a job. However, I ran into a brick wall when I saw I lacked the tools to progress. My mind was set; "Time to get married, Patrick!" "Time to go to school!" But those things are not so simple, and as a result of my choices, I am torn; torn between the determination to "move on to the next step" and the need to do some more growing up.

I did not anticipate this, and as such this has been very trying. As I said before, I always automatically jumped into the next step without much thought; but now, that is not happening. Instead of moving on into the next adventure, I am forced to wait.

Wait until when?

This has always been the hardest part of any trial for me; if I know how long I must endure something, I act accordingly and deal with it better. I also believe that, in this modern age of internet, communication, fast food, and so forth, we believe in instant gratification! Some of the greatest questions can be answered, albeit in a textbook manner, by typing it into the searchbar of an internet browser! But the trials God gives us rarely have a timetable for us to observe; rather, they are on His timetable. But how do I know when I am ready? How do I know that I am sufficiently mature to make the next decision?

Another difficult question is, "Am I really not ready, or am I just doubting myself?" I very well could be ready, but I allow fear and doubt to halt my progression. Maybe I am an adequate student; I just doubt my ability to do so. Maybe I am marriage material, and I just fail to see it.

How can I find answers to these questions?

For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.

For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.

That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

God has everything laid out for us. He knows what to do. His purpose is to bring about "the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). He is our Father in a literal sense. God knows our souls better than anyone else, even better than we know ourselves. That is why trials, when properly endured, are always the best possible thing we could have suffered.

It is also not meet that He gives us all understanding. For instance, if I search on Google for the purpose of life, I may find an answer, I may even find the right answer, but it will be a hollow answer. It will have no meaning. It is empty and useless. Knowledge is bestowed by those that know, but understanding is only gained through personal application. We cannot understand that which we did not discover ourselves; the path of understanding may be shown by one wiser, but we must walk that path ourselves.

However, in spite of being unable to give us understanding, God has given us tools to gain that understanding. God, first, gave us the Gospel; as we live the Gospel, we will gain a greater light on the meaning of life than we would through any other means! That I promise you. As we live by faith, we will see faith fulfilled and increased. As we repent, we understand the commandments. As we live God's law, we will be able to see exactly how living a godly life brings a perfect fulness of joy.

This understanding is gained at a rate contrary to the world, however. In the world today, everything is brought instantly. Nothing should be waited for. Everything should come immediately. Food, information, material items, all things do not have a significant delay. It takes less than a day to reach the other side of the world! But for things of the Spirit, for knowledge of greatest worth, we receive it "line upon line, precept upon precept; here a little, there a little." It is not gained instantly, but throughout the years of experience, trial, error, success, sorrow, pain, and joy.

To help us further, the Holy Ghost has been given to us. With His help, we can find understanding to answers outside our reach. Many of my earlier questions can be answered as I appeal unto Him. This is yet another process, however, that takes time and practice. All good things take time. Relationships, maturing, growth, knowledge... all of these things flourish as we labor in them.

So, I pray tonight for more patience in growing. I dream of the next steps in life often; however, I recognize a loving Father that wants me to enjoy all the blessings in store; God has promised me a life of discipleship, a beautiful marriage, a satisfying education, and a career adequate to support my family. But, I must wait patiently.

I am filled with uncertainty. However, I am confident that, in due time, I will be blessed with the righteous desires of my heart. And I witness to you that the same is true for all His children. For you.

God bless you!
Patrick